Where is the hickey?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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