Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
