Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
