Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
