I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize