that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
