i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Holy shit dude........stairs
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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