why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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