Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
