Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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