he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
