Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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