I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
