Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
