My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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