Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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