My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
