If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
