Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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