I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
