The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
