I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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