New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
