i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
