I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
