I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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