Moan for me like Helen Keller
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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