so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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