I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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