your room smells of hookers.
And success
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
