When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
