Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
