well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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