he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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