i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
