Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
