there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
