I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
