My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
