i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
