I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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