Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
