i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize