He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
