filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize