i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
