based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
