where does the pee come out of this thing
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
