My friends, they love my intelligence
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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