Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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