Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
