i just had sex bonerless
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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