PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
