If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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