My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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