I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
