The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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