i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
