when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
