i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
