You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
