I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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