Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
