it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
