Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
