Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I am one with the molecules
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
