i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
